Helplessness

The second I read the daily prompt topic: “Helpless” and one thing came into my head.

A few months back, I got up as usual at 8 am to get ready to go to work, but I couldn’t, I was a bit dizzy, I thought maybe it was due to getting up quickly from bed. Sat a little and brushed the feeling away and got ready to go to work.

Dizzy!

What blessing coincidence I had that day, that my car had to go to the workshop for its 5,000 km check up. If it didn’t I would have driven it to work as my routine dictates.

Dizzy!

So, that day I took a cab to work. Waited for the Secretary to come and open the office (which is usual, she is always LATE).

Dizzy!

I tried to think what would make me so dizzy, early in the morning. I thought maybe I did not get enough sleep.

Dizzy!

The girl at last arrived and opened the office, I told her how I felt and we started the mission to make me feel better.

Dizzy!

She got me cheese sandwich to eat, she got me some tea to drink, and even some juice and candy.

Dizzy!

Nothing worked, I decided to call my boss and ask her to take the rest of the day off and go home. But then I was advised to wait for her to come to work, then ask her.

Dizzy!

Then I drank Turkish coffee; my colleague and I started to believe that the dizziness might be because of low blood pressure and we thought the Turkish coffee will help with that.

Dizzy!

The moment I finished the coffee, my boss came and I told her I felt unwell. And as stupid and as workaholic as I am, I actually tried to stay and do some work. Till I surrendered and tried calling my brothers and friends to see if they were close by to pick me up (see I was worried to take a taxi home, completely alone).
As usual; when I called them up I did not say or try to sound ill and tired (I did not want anyone worried) since they were all so far away and I did not want to be a bother.
I do not like to bother anyone when I think (think, stress on THINK) I can do it some other way.

Dizzy!

When I found out everyone is far away and unable to help, even though I did not ask directly; all I did was say: ” Hi….. ; How are you doing? Where are you?” and that’s all. I did not mention that I am tired and need their aid.
I went into my boss’s office again, sat down since I was too weak to stand, she kept talking about work, and then it came, the feeling of total “Helplessness“.
Without meaning it, my eyes started to tear up and I simply told her: “I am not WELL! And I think I should go HOME!”

Dizzy!

I felt so bad to actually admit that I am ill and tired,
I felt helpless and did not want to ask for help,
I needed someone’s aid but I couldn’t do it,

My body wasn’t helping me,
My brain wasn’t giving me the sanity to ask for help,
My heart wasn’t giving me the courage to admit that I needed it,
I needed the help.

Helpless as I felt, I asked to take the rest the day off, my boss suggested for another colleague to drop me off, but I was so tired that I couldn’t wait. I went down and took a taxi home.
On the way, my Aunt called me up, as if she felt something was amiss with me, I told her I feel a bit (a small white lie, so she won’t over worry) dizzy and I think it might be due to low blood pressure.
And from that point on wards; I found my Granny at home waiting for me with food and black olives and all kind of traditional and folkloric medicine known to help my blood pressure to go up.
Until the evening and my blood pressure stayed low, and the dizziness remained very bad, to the point I sometimes blacked out for a few seconds.

Dizzy!

I remained stupid enough, trying not to portray how bad I felt and how my condition actually got worse. I thought I could fix it myself, when my Aunt called me up again and asked how am I doing, I lied again and said I felt better. She said she is coming over anyway and she won’t mind taking me to the emergency room.
I refused like an idiot.
I was that helpless, I was helpless enough to be blind to the notion that I was really in a bad shape and needed help.

Dizzy!

Just a few minutes after I finished the phone call with my aunt and I felt even worse, I got up and silently got dressed. The moment she entered the house; I told her lets GO.

Dizzy!

I did not need to explain,I did not need to tell why I want to go now to the hospital and that is something I need to remember about my Aunt, about family.
You do not need to explain yourself when you need help.
You do not need to ask many times, once is enough.
Family will always be there for you!

Dizzy!

The moment the doctor (at the ER) face expression changed and I started to worry, my blood pressure was 80/50. He was surprised I was even walking on my feet, I should be unconscious by now. Right away and with no delay, he put me on a saline drip and put some kind of synthetic cortisone derivative with it to help push my blood pressure up.
I finished one bag and the nurse removed the needle out of my arm.

Dizzy!

Yes! I still felt dizzy! I still felt bad! And I was blacking out again! I did not want to scare my Aunt.
I felt so helpless, all I wanted to do is cry.
I kept on asking my Aunt where is the doctor, and she said they called him up to check me out again before letting me go. (She did not know then why I was nagging for his whereabouts)
At last; after getting another a fit of blackouts which were getting longer every time; I bluntly told my Aunt: “Auntie, do not be scared but I might faint at any moment.”
She sprung out of the chair got the doctor and the poor doctor looked paler, my blood pressure was still 80/50.

Dizzy!

He made the nurse put another needle into my arm with another saline bag and this time they injected cortisone into it (and not the derivative). And we waited till it all got into me.
When the bag was empty and all its contents were inside of me, I felt better, I actually felt my eyesight was more focused.

Less Dizzy! 

The doctor came by again and said my blood pressure went up at last, it was 100/60. It wasn’t so good but good enough to go home and not be admitted into the hospital. Off course he gave me some medicine and I was given the release forms to go home, rest, eat and drink a lot of fluids.

What was the reason for such a thing to happen?
No idea!
The doctor kept on asking me so many questions; questions like; are you dieting? how long? how much water do you drink? water and not fluids? do you think of something special these days? (I think the poor thing was trying to see if I was in a romantic turmoil or something) are you too stressed at work?

None of my answers helped us to pinpoint at a certain reason, but I was able to combine the problem into dehydration, stress and tension.

I did not like it! I remember every single detail of that day! Because it was one of the few times that I felt horribly helpless.
Helplessness is something I would love to avoid in the FUTURE! 😦

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3 thoughts on “Helplessness

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